Mercy thinks about the person that has left her. The person that has simply walked right out the door. Mercy thinks about the person that she is now in love with, the person that last night said no. Mercy thinks about all the times she has been told no in her life, which is not many. When she was young someone told Mercy, told her that all she had was a pretty face, lose 15 pounds, 15 pounds was always the magic number. But, really, you don't have to worry about that, you're a girl, girls always get laid.
Mercy thinks about the first time she hung out with the person she is in love with. She remembers that the table was weirdly divided by what she said out loud to this person "its so funny, all the boys on one side and all the girls on the other" and the person said I'm not a boy, making the demarcation that struck Mercy dumb. She had nothing to say. Don't just run off at the mouth, don't just say things, Mercy, don't just say things.
The person she is in love is not in love with her and it makes her sad, Mercy is sad, why aren't you in love with me the way I am in love with you?
Mercy asks herself in the mirror. She tries on lipstick. If she is in front of the mirror, she is putting on makeup.
Mercy is at a dance party, it is late at night, this person keeps dancing up against her body, keeps rubbing close like a stitch, keeps almost touching lips, keeps almost touching lips.
There was a time that this person would kiss Mercy whenever she wanted this person to, in the middle of a bar, in the middle of a party, it didn't matter, kiss me Mercy, kiss me Mercy. Everyone always wanted to kiss Mercy at one time in her life.
This person no longer wants to kiss Mercy, this person says they are too good of friends, this person says that they just can't do that anymore, this person can't risk the friendship, because it won't just be kissing, it won't just be kissing, it will be more, you know it will be more, Mercy, you know, look at me, say something, you know it will be more, it will be more than we want it to be, we will fuck and then it will get weird and then you won't talk to me or something and whatever, don't make this weird, no, please don't make this weird.
Mercy texts Patrick #1 to silence.
Mercy texts Patrick #2 to silence.
Sometimes Mercy texts her daddy, even though her daddy's laying in the hospital bed in the dining room. Sometimes Mercy texts her daddy just to her her daddy's ringtone "You're waaay to beauuuutiful girllllss..."
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Mercy (Ether) (Impatient)
Call a physician.
Mercy says that she is going to kill herself and all of the Queens say baby, you are just hungover, you are just so hungover, baby don't be talking all that shit about dying, you don't know nothing about dying. How selfish can you be, talkin all this shit about dyin, when yr daddy is dying, you know that shit is true, yr daddy is on his death bed and all you is talkin about is dying. I can't believe it.
Mercy watches a War Against Drugs commercial that talks about meth and shows a girl that looks like her cutting her wrists because the meth voices told her to and so the meth voices told her to and
her mom is like LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, and its like, jesus, right, look at what she's done, she's the crazy one, not me, Mercy thinks, this girl is nuts, some voice told her to cut her wrists and run them under hot water because she smokes meth.
Yes, I guess so, Mercy reads in the paper a dude out in the country who ate his baby's face off because voices were telling him to do so because of meth.
What side of the brain does meth work, Mercy asks Anita Hard Cock when Anita is over dropping off the laundry. Anita and Hillary Clitton trade off doing the linens so Mercy doesn't have to.
Honey, who knows with that stuff, one second yr alright and the next second yr a monster. That shit'll make you crazy.
Anita Hard Cock had a boyfriend who was on Teena, she called it, Teena was his first girlfriend, his only girlfriend, his only love, Anita said, and she locked Anita in a room one night in this basement of his house and tied her up and hit her with a bullwhip so many times she passed out.
Did that really happen to you? Mercy asked, embarrassingly quickly, as if she was skeptical of the entire story.
No, I just made it up for you, what do you think, fucking a.
Apply Artificial Respiration
Patrick #2 is Red Cross trained and he wanted to practice on Mercy, she is remembering their last night together before he left for Alaska. Let me show how to breathe into a person properly, he said. He carried protective mouth gear in his wallet, you just never know, he says to Mercy, you just never know. It's his favorite saying you just never know, Mercy says, you just never ever know when you'll need to protect your heart.
When Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, she tried to apply mouth-to-mouth, she tried to apply to apply mouth-to-mouth. Nothing worked, nothing worked.
Nothing ever works the way I want it to Mercy thinks daily.
Also Hot Applications
Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat.
What does it mean to apply heat.
Where do you apply heat.
When told to apply heat, how can you, how can you.
Apply heat, how can you apply heat.
We trade text messages back and forth and we say to each other I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF because we are hungover, because we are once again for the 10th day in a row hungover. I understand why alcoholics kill themselves, I understand why coke addicts kill themselves, I have been up for a few days, I have been up for a few weeks, I understand now why in this weird clarity, why people kill themselves, I don't have many pills left, I am sick and I am hungover, o, the despair, o, the despair, the suffering. We suffer, don't we?
Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat.
What and where and how.
How do you apply heat. Why and what.
An application as request, an effort, sustained, mediated.
Massage Extremities
Patrick #2, when getting medical training, when getting CPR training, when getting Red Cross training, when getting all the training to live alone in Alaska, was first a massage therapist, was first a massage therapist.
If Patient's Face is Pale
It is when you lose all the color in your face that you become paranoid that people believe that you are not what you seem. The color in your face is indicative to any unsupported principles you may feel that make you inferior. Sometimes I get really jealous when I know that you don't actually want to hang out with me, sometimes I get really jealous when you hang out with other people.
Patrick #1 is saying all of this to Mercy at a bar where the bartenders are too smug and the barstools too low. Patrick #1 is saying all of this to Mercy and Mercy is not listening, Mercy is nodding off mostly because she is tired and her father hasn't been sleeping well at night, waking up in night terrors and pulling all of the tubes from his arms.
Patrick #1 says "Look, I'm just really jealous of you babe. I want you all to myself. When you hang out with other people it makes me feel like you don't love me anymore. Do you love me babe? You do, don't you, everything I do is perfect and so being with you means its perfect. Don't you agree, babe?"
Mercy's face is pale when she sees herself in the partition reflection of their booth. Her long dark hair is full and bouncy and won't stay behind her ears even though she pushes it back, push pushes it back, out of the way. She looks long in the mirror. She looks uneven. Her eyes are at half-mast. The straps of her dress won't stay up.
Mercy, are you fucking listening? Jesus, its like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I'm going outside to have a smoke, do you want to join me or are you just gonna keep staring at yourself like some dumb idiot
What did you say, Mercy asks? What did you just say.
I said, are you just gonna keep staring at yourself like some riot act or are you gonna come with me
Mercy swore swore he said dumb idiot. She swore up and down.
Why would I call you a dumb idiot? Patrick #1 asks when she confronts him once outside. Look baby if I was gonna call you a name, it'd be more hurtful than that.
Lower The Head
Mercy father has ordered that a priest come and serve his last rites every Friday and then he and his queen girlfriends can have fish sandwiches together. They all gather in black professional skirt suits that really do look like they came out of the real Hilary Clinton's wardrobe and long black wigs of all shades and styles, and hats that looked like an funeral on Easter. They would sit politely in their purples and deep blues and browns and blacks and once the priest was done Amber Wavves, normally the only one not crying by the end, would thank the priest and pay him and see him out of the door.
Mercy's father would always keep his eyes shut and mouth closed until the priest had left as a ritual, more than anything else. Mercy's father told her that he kept his eyes closed in a type of prayer. When he opened his eyes, once Amber would come back in the room and the other queens would hustle to the bathroom to change clothes to eat dinner in, he said that it would be bittersweet, especially as he got sicker. He wanted to die in his funeral garbage garb, as the Priest was doing the last rite, which technically didn't count he'd tell Amber every week, this technically doesn't count, he needs to die sooner than later for this to count and Amber would hush him and kiss his bald head. We got to thinking that the Priest really liked coming and was kind of sad when Mercy's dad didn't die. It would have been a miracle to the priest if, in the third-to-last rites, his eyes didn't open. Then it would have been the last last rites, and it would have worked, it would have been fine, it would have been for real last rites.
Mercy says that she is going to kill herself and all of the Queens say baby, you are just hungover, you are just so hungover, baby don't be talking all that shit about dying, you don't know nothing about dying. How selfish can you be, talkin all this shit about dyin, when yr daddy is dying, you know that shit is true, yr daddy is on his death bed and all you is talkin about is dying. I can't believe it.
Mercy watches a War Against Drugs commercial that talks about meth and shows a girl that looks like her cutting her wrists because the meth voices told her to and so the meth voices told her to and
her mom is like LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, and its like, jesus, right, look at what she's done, she's the crazy one, not me, Mercy thinks, this girl is nuts, some voice told her to cut her wrists and run them under hot water because she smokes meth.
Yes, I guess so, Mercy reads in the paper a dude out in the country who ate his baby's face off because voices were telling him to do so because of meth.
What side of the brain does meth work, Mercy asks Anita Hard Cock when Anita is over dropping off the laundry. Anita and Hillary Clitton trade off doing the linens so Mercy doesn't have to.
Honey, who knows with that stuff, one second yr alright and the next second yr a monster. That shit'll make you crazy.
Anita Hard Cock had a boyfriend who was on Teena, she called it, Teena was his first girlfriend, his only girlfriend, his only love, Anita said, and she locked Anita in a room one night in this basement of his house and tied her up and hit her with a bullwhip so many times she passed out.
Did that really happen to you? Mercy asked, embarrassingly quickly, as if she was skeptical of the entire story.
No, I just made it up for you, what do you think, fucking a.
Apply Artificial Respiration
Patrick #2 is Red Cross trained and he wanted to practice on Mercy, she is remembering their last night together before he left for Alaska. Let me show how to breathe into a person properly, he said. He carried protective mouth gear in his wallet, you just never know, he says to Mercy, you just never know. It's his favorite saying you just never know, Mercy says, you just never ever know when you'll need to protect your heart.
When Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, when Mercy's mom's heart stopped, she tried to apply mouth-to-mouth, she tried to apply to apply mouth-to-mouth. Nothing worked, nothing worked.
Nothing ever works the way I want it to Mercy thinks daily.
Also Hot Applications
Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat.
What does it mean to apply heat.
Where do you apply heat.
When told to apply heat, how can you, how can you.
Apply heat, how can you apply heat.
We trade text messages back and forth and we say to each other I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF because we are hungover, because we are once again for the 10th day in a row hungover. I understand why alcoholics kill themselves, I understand why coke addicts kill themselves, I have been up for a few days, I have been up for a few weeks, I understand now why in this weird clarity, why people kill themselves, I don't have many pills left, I am sick and I am hungover, o, the despair, o, the despair, the suffering. We suffer, don't we?
Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat. Apply heat.
What and where and how.
How do you apply heat. Why and what.
An application as request, an effort, sustained, mediated.
Massage Extremities
Patrick #2, when getting medical training, when getting CPR training, when getting Red Cross training, when getting all the training to live alone in Alaska, was first a massage therapist, was first a massage therapist.
If Patient's Face is Pale
It is when you lose all the color in your face that you become paranoid that people believe that you are not what you seem. The color in your face is indicative to any unsupported principles you may feel that make you inferior. Sometimes I get really jealous when I know that you don't actually want to hang out with me, sometimes I get really jealous when you hang out with other people.
Patrick #1 is saying all of this to Mercy at a bar where the bartenders are too smug and the barstools too low. Patrick #1 is saying all of this to Mercy and Mercy is not listening, Mercy is nodding off mostly because she is tired and her father hasn't been sleeping well at night, waking up in night terrors and pulling all of the tubes from his arms.
Patrick #1 says "Look, I'm just really jealous of you babe. I want you all to myself. When you hang out with other people it makes me feel like you don't love me anymore. Do you love me babe? You do, don't you, everything I do is perfect and so being with you means its perfect. Don't you agree, babe?"
Mercy's face is pale when she sees herself in the partition reflection of their booth. Her long dark hair is full and bouncy and won't stay behind her ears even though she pushes it back, push pushes it back, out of the way. She looks long in the mirror. She looks uneven. Her eyes are at half-mast. The straps of her dress won't stay up.
Mercy, are you fucking listening? Jesus, its like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I'm going outside to have a smoke, do you want to join me or are you just gonna keep staring at yourself like some dumb idiot
What did you say, Mercy asks? What did you just say.
I said, are you just gonna keep staring at yourself like some riot act or are you gonna come with me
Mercy swore swore he said dumb idiot. She swore up and down.
Why would I call you a dumb idiot? Patrick #1 asks when she confronts him once outside. Look baby if I was gonna call you a name, it'd be more hurtful than that.
Lower The Head
Mercy father has ordered that a priest come and serve his last rites every Friday and then he and his queen girlfriends can have fish sandwiches together. They all gather in black professional skirt suits that really do look like they came out of the real Hilary Clinton's wardrobe and long black wigs of all shades and styles, and hats that looked like an funeral on Easter. They would sit politely in their purples and deep blues and browns and blacks and once the priest was done Amber Wavves, normally the only one not crying by the end, would thank the priest and pay him and see him out of the door.
Mercy's father would always keep his eyes shut and mouth closed until the priest had left as a ritual, more than anything else. Mercy's father told her that he kept his eyes closed in a type of prayer. When he opened his eyes, once Amber would come back in the room and the other queens would hustle to the bathroom to change clothes to eat dinner in, he said that it would be bittersweet, especially as he got sicker. He wanted to die in his funeral garbage garb, as the Priest was doing the last rite, which technically didn't count he'd tell Amber every week, this technically doesn't count, he needs to die sooner than later for this to count and Amber would hush him and kiss his bald head. We got to thinking that the Priest really liked coming and was kind of sad when Mercy's dad didn't die. It would have been a miracle to the priest if, in the third-to-last rites, his eyes didn't open. Then it would have been the last last rites, and it would have worked, it would have been fine, it would have been for real last rites.
Mercy (Ether) (Narrative Trajectory)
Call a physician, apply artificial respiration, also hot applications, massage extremities, if patients face is pale, lower head.
DAY #1
The day of poison. I am infected by this, the day of poison. My head is lulling, I am lulled. I cannot fall asleep fast enough, it is morning, it is evening, the third day, the seventh day. I am lulled and then I am not. Things are going faster then fast then stop. The ravens and the crows are not the same, we can tell the difference between them by the build of their bodies, how they carry themselves, the build of their caws, they are outside the window one of each and looking for things to eat. There is nothing. Cars drive by and they simply hop out of the way and they do not run fast or are very concerned. Listen, you can hear it. The treatment for poison is folded in five directions, you ask which way is south as if I understand internally somehow a compass is needed. If you were to drop me in the middle of the mountains, I would not be able to find my way home, I would die. I was with this person once that parked outside of the lecture hall we were in together for a lecture on something or other and they could not find their car, we were driving all around trying to find their car, and we figured out they had parked very close, very close, their father was dying to in Tuscaloosa, their father lived in the outskirts of where we were, their father had loaned them a car, they were driving it and now they could not find it but we found it next to the lecture hall, this internal sense of direction.
No internal sense of direction. Where is south and I do not know.
DAY #2
My head is lulling but I have stopped vomiting. You are out to lunch with my cousin and I ask you to call me back later and you don't. Now we are sitting next to each other on my couch and I am feeling terrible still. The poison of the Devil's Milk. I fold the treatment five times and five different directions and I wear it on my person. I wear it close to my bosom. I wear it closer, closer.
DAY #3
There is a book called something by Goethe and it lays under my mattresses and I am scared because I dream in the quotes and I dream in the quotes from the book by Goethe and I haven't ever read it before so I stick it far far far underneath my bed where I cannot see it but in my dreams I have dreams about it where is the book where is it in a house in my dreams it is on the bedside table and when asked when asked what is on your bedside table I say Goethe but I don't have any idea and it looked like some Greek shit, some Greek shit in a play form in a play, it is a Greek shit play, I am jealous of everyone that knows more than me about Greek mythology and that is everyone so I am jealous of everyone, the curriculum changed before we got to Greek mythology. Folded five ways and under my bed with Goethe, next to a powder that is magical next a powder that is magic with crushed scorpions, a healing Hoo-Doo powder to make protect you, a healing powder. Goethe and a large line of magic dust and folded five ways instructions on how to alleviate poison.
DAY #4
Five directions and all points South and now its on my body and I am wearing it on my body for days and I can't understand which points on the body I am shooting for, a quite literal shoot, this shooting for, five directions and all points on my body and I went to sleep and had no dreams because I do not dream and I tell people that and once a girl said she couldn't date me because I do not dream, she said that she had to be with a dreamer, she had to be with someone who dreams. The other day someone came back into my life that shouldn't have and now I am talking with them all the time, even in my dreams, I am talking with them all the time. I am in my body and the poison treatment is also in my body. I took it off of my body and chewed it so I could eat it so it would be in my body so I could carry it around with me always. Always in my body the poison treatment that when I am lulling and vomiting I know why.
DAY #5
Again, in my body, on my body.
DAY #6
This treatment lives inside of my clothes, inside of my body, is constantly falling out of my chest, is constantly falling out of everywhere, I live with it in and outside. Exception: the day it was under my bed, under my bed, the day it was with Goethe and the crushed scorpion magic dust of protection, they were all together, these five points south, these five directions of fold. Call a physician. Apply artifical respiration. Hot applications. Massage extremities. Paleface (mob). Lower head. Pray.
DAY #1
The day of poison. I am infected by this, the day of poison. My head is lulling, I am lulled. I cannot fall asleep fast enough, it is morning, it is evening, the third day, the seventh day. I am lulled and then I am not. Things are going faster then fast then stop. The ravens and the crows are not the same, we can tell the difference between them by the build of their bodies, how they carry themselves, the build of their caws, they are outside the window one of each and looking for things to eat. There is nothing. Cars drive by and they simply hop out of the way and they do not run fast or are very concerned. Listen, you can hear it. The treatment for poison is folded in five directions, you ask which way is south as if I understand internally somehow a compass is needed. If you were to drop me in the middle of the mountains, I would not be able to find my way home, I would die. I was with this person once that parked outside of the lecture hall we were in together for a lecture on something or other and they could not find their car, we were driving all around trying to find their car, and we figured out they had parked very close, very close, their father was dying to in Tuscaloosa, their father lived in the outskirts of where we were, their father had loaned them a car, they were driving it and now they could not find it but we found it next to the lecture hall, this internal sense of direction.
No internal sense of direction. Where is south and I do not know.
DAY #2
My head is lulling but I have stopped vomiting. You are out to lunch with my cousin and I ask you to call me back later and you don't. Now we are sitting next to each other on my couch and I am feeling terrible still. The poison of the Devil's Milk. I fold the treatment five times and five different directions and I wear it on my person. I wear it close to my bosom. I wear it closer, closer.
DAY #3
There is a book called something by Goethe and it lays under my mattresses and I am scared because I dream in the quotes and I dream in the quotes from the book by Goethe and I haven't ever read it before so I stick it far far far underneath my bed where I cannot see it but in my dreams I have dreams about it where is the book where is it in a house in my dreams it is on the bedside table and when asked when asked what is on your bedside table I say Goethe but I don't have any idea and it looked like some Greek shit, some Greek shit in a play form in a play, it is a Greek shit play, I am jealous of everyone that knows more than me about Greek mythology and that is everyone so I am jealous of everyone, the curriculum changed before we got to Greek mythology. Folded five ways and under my bed with Goethe, next to a powder that is magical next a powder that is magic with crushed scorpions, a healing Hoo-Doo powder to make protect you, a healing powder. Goethe and a large line of magic dust and folded five ways instructions on how to alleviate poison.
DAY #4
Five directions and all points South and now its on my body and I am wearing it on my body for days and I can't understand which points on the body I am shooting for, a quite literal shoot, this shooting for, five directions and all points on my body and I went to sleep and had no dreams because I do not dream and I tell people that and once a girl said she couldn't date me because I do not dream, she said that she had to be with a dreamer, she had to be with someone who dreams. The other day someone came back into my life that shouldn't have and now I am talking with them all the time, even in my dreams, I am talking with them all the time. I am in my body and the poison treatment is also in my body. I took it off of my body and chewed it so I could eat it so it would be in my body so I could carry it around with me always. Always in my body the poison treatment that when I am lulling and vomiting I know why.
DAY #5
Again, in my body, on my body.
DAY #6
This treatment lives inside of my clothes, inside of my body, is constantly falling out of my chest, is constantly falling out of everywhere, I live with it in and outside. Exception: the day it was under my bed, under my bed, the day it was with Goethe and the crushed scorpion magic dust of protection, they were all together, these five points south, these five directions of fold. Call a physician. Apply artifical respiration. Hot applications. Massage extremities. Paleface (mob). Lower head. Pray.
Mercy (Ether)
Ether (call a physician, apply artificial respiration, also hot applications, massage extremities, if patients face is pale, lower head)
Mercy is drunk and texting Patrick #2 in Alaska, where he does not have cell phone service, where he hasn't had cell phone service in months. I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF, it says. In 3 months. I am going to off myself. in three months. This is the trajectory of the messages. Two weeks later, when is off the mountain and checking is voicemail messages and checking his email messages at the library, he will get a flood of texts that say these things but out of order I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF in three months I am going to off myself I am going to off myself I am going to off myself. In 3 months. In 3 months. I'M GOING TO KIL I am goi 3 mon, they are getting cut off, they come in a wave and then are incomplete.
What does Patrick #2 do with this information? What does Patrick #2 do now two weeks later. She is still writing letters, he is getting one or two every other day, when he picks up his mail he has so many letters from Mercy. Patrick #2 is sad but does nothing and does not respond. Patrick #2 does not respond even through letter, its like Mercy had not sent those texts in the first place.
Mercy does not really want to die. She is drunk and eating a tuna fish sandwich from 7-11, she is eating Cool Ranch Doritios, she is drinking orange mango juice and watching Chasing Amy, a film that is offensive, now that she really watches it with adult eyes, its actually really offensive. Mercy is crying but she does not know it. She drunk and texting Patrick #2 says I'm going to kill myself and she doesn't mean it. She is tired of watching Jessica H. Christ die. She is tired of watching herself wither away. Death doesn't mean as much now that everyone is dead she thinks to herself but that thought doesn't make sense, she misses her father already and he is not even gone yet. Patrick #2, why tell Patrick #2 she is going to kill herself, what can he do, is it because he is so far away, yes, its because he can't do anything, or won't do anything.
She tried to pull this shit on Patrick #1 once and he called the police. She was a few cities away and he found the area code and called the police and the police showed up to her apartment where she was in her underwear and eating a taco bell burrito with sour cream that was all over her tank top and she had to convince them that she was fine, she was fine, she was fine. Don't ever tell Patrick #1 anything, he will call the police.
Patrick #2 won't call the police, he won't even get the texts in real time.
Patrick, I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.
Patrick, IN THREE DAYS.
Not really, though. Mercy is going to eat the tuna sandwich and change her dad's catheter and wig and bathe him with a sponge and wash his testicles because she has to, she was lectured by the caregiver from the hospital, I know its uncomfortable but you have to wash underneath everywhere to prevent all kinds of things like sores and disease. Wash her dad's balls and comb all of his wigs that are now all on face stands surrounding his bed like gallery scene in the Return to Oz film where the Ozma has all of her heads and faces on display. But these styrofoam heads are faceless, they simply hold shape to the various hair of her father's her father's various identities. You can't just keep the hair in a box, it won't hold, it'll look like absolute garbage, her father told her.
Mercy is drunk and texting Patrick #2 in Alaska, where he does not have cell phone service, where he hasn't had cell phone service in months. I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF, it says. In 3 months. I am going to off myself. in three months. This is the trajectory of the messages. Two weeks later, when is off the mountain and checking is voicemail messages and checking his email messages at the library, he will get a flood of texts that say these things but out of order I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF in three months I am going to off myself I am going to off myself I am going to off myself. In 3 months. In 3 months. I'M GOING TO KIL I am goi 3 mon, they are getting cut off, they come in a wave and then are incomplete.
What does Patrick #2 do with this information? What does Patrick #2 do now two weeks later. She is still writing letters, he is getting one or two every other day, when he picks up his mail he has so many letters from Mercy. Patrick #2 is sad but does nothing and does not respond. Patrick #2 does not respond even through letter, its like Mercy had not sent those texts in the first place.
Mercy does not really want to die. She is drunk and eating a tuna fish sandwich from 7-11, she is eating Cool Ranch Doritios, she is drinking orange mango juice and watching Chasing Amy, a film that is offensive, now that she really watches it with adult eyes, its actually really offensive. Mercy is crying but she does not know it. She drunk and texting Patrick #2 says I'm going to kill myself and she doesn't mean it. She is tired of watching Jessica H. Christ die. She is tired of watching herself wither away. Death doesn't mean as much now that everyone is dead she thinks to herself but that thought doesn't make sense, she misses her father already and he is not even gone yet. Patrick #2, why tell Patrick #2 she is going to kill herself, what can he do, is it because he is so far away, yes, its because he can't do anything, or won't do anything.
She tried to pull this shit on Patrick #1 once and he called the police. She was a few cities away and he found the area code and called the police and the police showed up to her apartment where she was in her underwear and eating a taco bell burrito with sour cream that was all over her tank top and she had to convince them that she was fine, she was fine, she was fine. Don't ever tell Patrick #1 anything, he will call the police.
Patrick #2 won't call the police, he won't even get the texts in real time.
Patrick, I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.
Patrick, IN THREE DAYS.
Not really, though. Mercy is going to eat the tuna sandwich and change her dad's catheter and wig and bathe him with a sponge and wash his testicles because she has to, she was lectured by the caregiver from the hospital, I know its uncomfortable but you have to wash underneath everywhere to prevent all kinds of things like sores and disease. Wash her dad's balls and comb all of his wigs that are now all on face stands surrounding his bed like gallery scene in the Return to Oz film where the Ozma has all of her heads and faces on display. But these styrofoam heads are faceless, they simply hold shape to the various hair of her father's her father's various identities. You can't just keep the hair in a box, it won't hold, it'll look like absolute garbage, her father told her.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Mercy
Mercy lights her bangs on fire on purpose one morning just because she wants to smell what burnt hair smells like. Her father has been breathing erratically for days, her father is going to die any minute.
Mercy is remembering one Christmas Eve when her father made her go to a candle light service at midnight at a local church. He, in fact, had to work a can drive for a local bar in full drag that night and would be off at 1030, enough to time to put on a tie and put Mercy in a dress and go to the church for the service. It was disappointing to Mercy, it was nothing at all like what she thought it would be. She thought the entire sanctuary would be dark and the service would take place like a funeral pyre, everything lit from the floor to the ceiling, welcoming the Christ child into the world from his teenage mother's womb. But instead the entire service was under the hot fluorescent lights and for the last ten minutes of the service they turned the house lights down and passed out big chunky candles for everyone to light their very tiny birthday-like candles on. Mercy got her hair too close to the chunky candle. Mercy's bangs went up in smoke. Two old ladies behind Mercy hit Mercy on the head with their hymnals during O Come O Come Emmanuel.
When Mercy got home, her father gave her a bag of ice and put her in his lap and they cuddled in front of the television and he chuckled at the old ladies swatting her poor little head. They turned out all the lights and watched TV in front of the christmas tree and its lights and Mercy thinks to herself today, that was the most perfect Christmas ever. No other Christmas had ever been that good.
She wants to smell the smell of burnt hair. She doesn't remember exactly what it smells like. She takes the kitchen torch she uses to light the stove and click click clicks the lighter until it lights slowly and softly and woosh takes her bangs out. She watches her bangs burn fast, all the way to her scalp, until she dunks her head into the full sink below her.
Mercy is remembering one Christmas Eve when her father made her go to a candle light service at midnight at a local church. He, in fact, had to work a can drive for a local bar in full drag that night and would be off at 1030, enough to time to put on a tie and put Mercy in a dress and go to the church for the service. It was disappointing to Mercy, it was nothing at all like what she thought it would be. She thought the entire sanctuary would be dark and the service would take place like a funeral pyre, everything lit from the floor to the ceiling, welcoming the Christ child into the world from his teenage mother's womb. But instead the entire service was under the hot fluorescent lights and for the last ten minutes of the service they turned the house lights down and passed out big chunky candles for everyone to light their very tiny birthday-like candles on. Mercy got her hair too close to the chunky candle. Mercy's bangs went up in smoke. Two old ladies behind Mercy hit Mercy on the head with their hymnals during O Come O Come Emmanuel.
When Mercy got home, her father gave her a bag of ice and put her in his lap and they cuddled in front of the television and he chuckled at the old ladies swatting her poor little head. They turned out all the lights and watched TV in front of the christmas tree and its lights and Mercy thinks to herself today, that was the most perfect Christmas ever. No other Christmas had ever been that good.
She wants to smell the smell of burnt hair. She doesn't remember exactly what it smells like. She takes the kitchen torch she uses to light the stove and click click clicks the lighter until it lights slowly and softly and woosh takes her bangs out. She watches her bangs burn fast, all the way to her scalp, until she dunks her head into the full sink below her.
Mercy
Patrick #1 has hit a dog and is calling Mercy. Mercy is helping her father into tight argyle stockings with the rip in the knee the never gets bigger. Mercy is helping her father into a light green wig that is curled on the end but flipped like an alien Marilyn Monroe. Mercy is helping her father into a wedding dress that he got at Tender Love Consignment Shop to wear tonight on stage, the last night he would be able perform. He has six different costume changes. He has 11 different people helping him. Tonight is his last night on stage at the ClamShell Cocktail Lounge. Tonight he will say good bye to his drag family of thirty years and retire his girl job in the City, retire his girl job as he had retired his boy job long ago. This was my dream he would tell Mercy, this was my dream, to retire from my boy job to be able to do my girl job full time, this was my dream, and now its gone.
Patrick #1 says into the voice mail frantically Mercy, where the hell are you, Mercy how could you not be here for me right now, this dog is dead Mercy, dead, the dog is dog, I killed a dog Mercy.
Mercy's father is all glitter and sparkle. Mercy's father is all diamonds. Mercy's father has his signature look, has his Marilyn Monroe look, has his Jackie O look, has his Liza look, has his Mardi Gras look, has his "smalltown gay bar in Michigan" look, has his Goldie Hawn Laugh-In look, has his Cher from Sonny and Cher look, has his "how Britney Spears will look like 60 years from now" look. When Mercy was a teenager, her father's drag closet was just one row of hangers and one shelf in his main closet in his room. Now her father's drag closet is one of the guest rooms converted with two walk-in closets on either end and built in shelves on the walls for bags, shoes, and accessories.
Mercy's father's bag collection puts hers to shame--designers from all walks of life. Mercy's father was big in the in-crowd party scene at one time in the City, which is where her met her mother initially, a country girl away for the weekend to check out an art college. A perfect disguise Mercy thought over and again in her life, but Mercy's father had always said the love and admiration was real between he and her mother, that he respected her as an artist, the he absolutely loved her work and that is what made him fall in love with her. They had Mercy out of Mercy. They had Mercy out of a true compassion for each other.
Patrick #1 is frantic into the phone, calling 1, 10, 15, 25 times. Where are you, I need you, this dog is dead, what do I do.
I called 911, was that what was I was supposed to do, oh God.
I can't believe you aren't answering the phone, this is important, this dog is dead, I'm out in the middle of nowhere and its late and oh God where are the police
MERRRRRCCCCYY WHAT THE FUCK WHERE ARE YOU JESUS CHRIST the cops are here Mercy the cops are here
Mercy's father steps out of the rented stretch Cadillac and pushes herself up on to the pink sparkling walking stick they will use all night, a walking stick with different emblems and colors to match every outfit. Mercy's father is lucky they don't have to have an oxygen mask on or be in a wheelchair. Tonight will be one of the last nights that they won't be without oxygen or a wheelchair. But, Mercy and her father don't know this yet, tonight is his night.
Patrick #1 says into the voice mail frantically Mercy, where the hell are you, Mercy how could you not be here for me right now, this dog is dead Mercy, dead, the dog is dog, I killed a dog Mercy.
Mercy's father is all glitter and sparkle. Mercy's father is all diamonds. Mercy's father has his signature look, has his Marilyn Monroe look, has his Jackie O look, has his Liza look, has his Mardi Gras look, has his "smalltown gay bar in Michigan" look, has his Goldie Hawn Laugh-In look, has his Cher from Sonny and Cher look, has his "how Britney Spears will look like 60 years from now" look. When Mercy was a teenager, her father's drag closet was just one row of hangers and one shelf in his main closet in his room. Now her father's drag closet is one of the guest rooms converted with two walk-in closets on either end and built in shelves on the walls for bags, shoes, and accessories.
Mercy's father's bag collection puts hers to shame--designers from all walks of life. Mercy's father was big in the in-crowd party scene at one time in the City, which is where her met her mother initially, a country girl away for the weekend to check out an art college. A perfect disguise Mercy thought over and again in her life, but Mercy's father had always said the love and admiration was real between he and her mother, that he respected her as an artist, the he absolutely loved her work and that is what made him fall in love with her. They had Mercy out of Mercy. They had Mercy out of a true compassion for each other.
Patrick #1 is frantic into the phone, calling 1, 10, 15, 25 times. Where are you, I need you, this dog is dead, what do I do.
I called 911, was that what was I was supposed to do, oh God.
I can't believe you aren't answering the phone, this is important, this dog is dead, I'm out in the middle of nowhere and its late and oh God where are the police
MERRRRRCCCCYY WHAT THE FUCK WHERE ARE YOU JESUS CHRIST the cops are here Mercy the cops are here
Mercy's father steps out of the rented stretch Cadillac and pushes herself up on to the pink sparkling walking stick they will use all night, a walking stick with different emblems and colors to match every outfit. Mercy's father is lucky they don't have to have an oxygen mask on or be in a wheelchair. Tonight will be one of the last nights that they won't be without oxygen or a wheelchair. But, Mercy and her father don't know this yet, tonight is his night.
Mercy
Patrick #2 cuts himself and Mercy has always known this. When they first met it was endearing, like something she could just break him of, like something he did to be charming, like buying flowers only these petals scabbed over, became bruises, became scars.
Patrick #2 started out by just making intricate designs in his skin when he was upset, but into high school and into young adulthood it had grown into a slash habit, as many times, in as many places, there was no more discretion.
So, it comes as no surprise, then, that Mercy was never eager to fight or make him upset. Unfortunately, though, everything upsets Patrick #2. He no longer drives a car anymore, he no longer has a cell phone, he stays up all night on speed and plays the acoustic guitar and make stencils with an X-acto knife and manilla folders. He made Mercy one that said Gustave Flaubert once in Old English Letters. Just dab a cotton ball with paint and put it on something, it'll look sweet, he told her but she never did, it sits in her desk, he looks at it from time to time.
Patrick #2 has not stopped cutting himself, Mercy is staring at him expressionless from across the table. Here is where she always ends up, across the table from people. She is across the table with her back to the door, a rarity. She doesn't like to sit with her back to the door, she likes to see who is entering behind her, if she is going to be murdered she would prefer to see her killer's eyes. The same reason why she goes to the OBGYN in October above all months, in case she is dying, she can die in Fall.
She is across the table with her back to the entrance in a cheap but clean diner across town but in the middle so neither of them had to go all the way across town to see each other which means no sex because what was the point in meeting in the middle if all they were going to do was go to one of their houses far away?
Patrick #2 has blood under his fingers.
Patrick #2 started out by just making intricate designs in his skin when he was upset, but into high school and into young adulthood it had grown into a slash habit, as many times, in as many places, there was no more discretion.
So, it comes as no surprise, then, that Mercy was never eager to fight or make him upset. Unfortunately, though, everything upsets Patrick #2. He no longer drives a car anymore, he no longer has a cell phone, he stays up all night on speed and plays the acoustic guitar and make stencils with an X-acto knife and manilla folders. He made Mercy one that said Gustave Flaubert once in Old English Letters. Just dab a cotton ball with paint and put it on something, it'll look sweet, he told her but she never did, it sits in her desk, he looks at it from time to time.
Patrick #2 has not stopped cutting himself, Mercy is staring at him expressionless from across the table. Here is where she always ends up, across the table from people. She is across the table with her back to the door, a rarity. She doesn't like to sit with her back to the door, she likes to see who is entering behind her, if she is going to be murdered she would prefer to see her killer's eyes. The same reason why she goes to the OBGYN in October above all months, in case she is dying, she can die in Fall.
She is across the table with her back to the entrance in a cheap but clean diner across town but in the middle so neither of them had to go all the way across town to see each other which means no sex because what was the point in meeting in the middle if all they were going to do was go to one of their houses far away?
Patrick #2 has blood under his fingers.
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